I remember the day all too well.
It was a Tuesday morning and another typical day in the life of a fourth grader.
It had rained earlier in morning and the dew was already collecting over the
fog stricken grass. Condensation covered my hand as I turned the doorknob, cold
air rushed past my body as I entered Mrs. Bullock’s fourth grade English class.
“Take your seats, put your tubs
under your desk, and take out your poems we had started yesterday,” said Mrs.
Bullock in her high ear piercing, nail scratching voice. The day was already
shaping out to be a long one. All until my “girlfriend” walked through the door
the wind blowing past her soft, blond hair. As she passes a note expertly falls
into my lap. We had mastered the art of note passing. We developed many
foolproof ways to get our love notes to and from each other and had never
ceased to be caught. Or so we thought.
So? What do you think of my first paragraph? Does its closing make you want to read more or put it down? Are their any improvements I could make? I do have some minor changes to make, but other the that this is my full final (so far) first paragraph. Please leave a comment so I can have something to respond to or know what are some changes that me other peers that I did not meet with have to say. Thanks again! Can't wait for the next blog!
That's amazing Will! You have vivid descriptions, all fitting in perfect organization. The short sentence at the end of the introduction really functions as a good cliffhanger. The only recommendation I had after reading this was to sort of clarify the "condensation on my hand." Condensation by definition is water that collects as droplets on a COLD surface. This could be true for your situation, but chances are the reader will immediately picture a cold water bottle covered in a thin skin of water. Other than that, this is VERY well done in my opinion. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing use of detail. When I read the first sentence I feel like I was reading an actual published narrative.
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! You don't know how much that boosts my confidence level! Thanks you all SOOOOO much I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of those kind words.
ReplyDeleteP.s. Akbar the door knob was one of those old brass, circular ones. This one collected dew against the hot air out side and the cold air seeping through from the inside. Also, it had rained earlier and there was no cover over the door because of one of the hurricanes, so water was dropping on to the handle. I just chose to say condensation because for some people ( at lease me ) kind of relate dew with condensation so I didn't want to stray to far from my original. Again I say this, but I truly mean it. THANKS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! If I get the chance to read or hear you read your essay out loud in the class ( hint hint Dr.D ), so I can give such kind support and encouragement that you have given me! THANKS AGAIN! Best of wishes in the rest of your writing processes.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete